I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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