Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
