How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
