When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
