The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
