Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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