i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
