Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
