Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
