Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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