Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
