The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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