Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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