I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
