just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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