If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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