The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
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If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
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Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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