just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
