the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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The best walk of shames are on the highway
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