i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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