Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
we made out on top of his cat.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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