He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
