I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
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My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
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I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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