i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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