Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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