all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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