If i come over, it means nothing
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
