I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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