im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
