her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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