Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
