I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
