Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
