Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
