well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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