Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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