im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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