My liver just broke up with me...
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
