I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
