I love how my cats smell like pot.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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