oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
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I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.