I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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