My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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