I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
