I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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