I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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