The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
