just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
