If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
