i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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