The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
