Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
