Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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