I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
