I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
